My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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