hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
