Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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