You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
