Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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