shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
