I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
