I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
