I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
