anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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