So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We need to rekindle our bromance
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
