apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
