I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize