the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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