Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize