Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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