omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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