I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
