Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
