Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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