god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
