so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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