I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
