Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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