Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
