In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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