Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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