Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
