Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
