My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
