There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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