Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
