apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
