Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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