I'm sorry my penis didn't work
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize