Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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