I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I need to sanitize my soul.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize