i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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