Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize