i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize