4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I bet he comes in French.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
