I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
