i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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