So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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