You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
