In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
