God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Houston, we have a squirter
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
