He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
