Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
