Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
