Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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