I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
