I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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