Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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