maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
