Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
