why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
