turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
