what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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