I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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