I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize