I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
