he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
