I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
