There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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